i have never had allergies in my life. now i do. fuck this shit.

I’m going to vent all my frustrations and be done with it because frankly, I’m so tired of this. 

I find it very hard to express myself articulately when it comes to things I have such strong opinions on. It makes it hard for people to understand my point of view and makes me sound just plain ignorant. I hate that. I hate feeling dumb or inarticulate. I feel like my words could be great if I could just say them right. It’s so aggravating. So, if you’re reading this and something doesn’t make sense, then I apologize. I realize I suck. But I don’t apologize for how I feel, just how I awfully express it.

Here’s my little story:

Today at lunch, I was minding my own business with my friends. We were chatting about how we were going to stay in touch after graduation, and suddenly I hear yelling from the table in front of me to the table behind me. A black boy was yelling at some emo kid. The two guys always have this banter at lunch and as annoying as it is, it’s nothing worth paying attention to. Today, however, this white girl who I find to be without manners and very crude speaks up for the emo kid. The conversation goes like this.

“Will you stop yelling at him. You yell at him everyday and I’m tired of listening to you bother him everyday” she says. Now the black guy has an obnoxious personality. He’s rude but what happens soon is unwarranted and disgraceful. despite how he is.

“Why are you talking to me? Who are you, even?” he responds. His friends laugh. I play close attention.

“I’m better than you.” she argues. He responds with the same phrase ‘who are you, even. why are you talking to me.”

“I’m someone in white America’, she finally says. 

The black guy yells ‘racist and white supremacist’ and what she says back is a blur because I’m looking over to the white teachers standing in the middle of the two, trying to shut them both up. They’ve clearly heard what the girl has said. They understand that she’s expressing her feeling of superiority over this black guy. They hear her jump to racist remarks, unnecessarily.  They know this. They don’t say anything. Nothing at all. Mind boggling—but not really.

One of the teachers comes over to the black guy and starts a conversation. The black guy demands the teacher to answer why he’s just stood there and watched this girl make him feel uncomfortable through her racist remarks. The teacher explains that he doesn’t condone what she’s said but because he doesn’t want to cause trouble, he can’t take sides. Wow.

This was how my lunch went. This is how my life goes. This is how the lives of so many black people and people of color’s life go. And it’s made me mad. It made me infuriated. I’m tired and I don’t know what to do. So I’m writing.

I’m tired of getting on the bus and sitting next to someone, only to find them fidgeting closer to their window, as if I’ll give them my “disease”. 

I’m tired of walking through the hallways and not being able to be comfortable with what I say, because it’ll be repeated back to me in a mocking tone.

I’m tired of white people not getting it. Of so many of them, side eyeing me for rightfully calling out the racist and bigoted things teachers and student do to me. 

I’m tired of seeing people call out reverse racism to anyone who has the right mind to stand up for people of color.

I’m exhausted at the fact that white boys yell the word ‘nigger’ to each other and yell out the lyrics of rap songs, but have nothing positive to say about black culture or black people.

I’m in your system, trying to keep my head over water. I’m not bothering you. I don’t hate you. Why is it that everything I do, the very idea of me breathing over water make you want to push me down further to drown. You’re in a boat for god’s sake.

I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted. I’m confused. I’m mad. I’m sad. And I feel sorry for those who think the way the girl at lunch do. I feel sorry for them because they’re swimming in their own ignorance. But yet, they can rot in hell for all I care.

I know personally, I don’t want to be ignorant. I want to know people’s cultures and customs and appreciate the way of life of others. I want that. I don’t want to enter a conversation when I have no basis for my argument. I don’t want to spew out things from my ass, because I didn’t find the time to reach out and learn. So, why can’t others do the same?

How tiring.

I’m done now.